How long have you been transgender?
I was born this way. When I grew up it was unacceptable to be transgender and to avoid bullying I started to hide this side of myself and learned how to act and behave so I would not be rejected anymore. My denial was so strong that I believed myself that I was “normal”. Any thoughts of me wanting to be a girl were just pushed aside. This is no choice of mine, this is the way I am and is a fundamental part of my personality.
How can you be a woman when you still have your Willie?
The genitals seem to be the first thing people think about when they hear the topic transgender. To me, a woman is more than a man minus willie. It’s simply not thaaaaaaat important. Of course the genitalia are important, it’s just not number one on the list of worries for me. I can easily hide it away. Beard growth and my voice are much more of a concern as they are more visible in daily life. Body shape, hair, fashion and the way I express myself and how I feel are much more important. If I had the opportunity to do surgery I would consider it. But I don’t and I don’t want this “thing” to ruin everything for me.
What surgical procedures do you want to have done?
Unfortunately it’s a financial question and not about what I want. The most important thing for me is being able to take estrogen hormones, everything else is only a bonus. Surgery on the genitals would be great but is not on top of my list. The waiting time for government sponsored surgery is currently 40 years. I do not expect to get it in this lifetime. If I could get surgery I might consider vocal chord surgery. However, I am doing voice therapy and the results are better than I expected. A realistic procedure to get done is electrolysis for facial hair. I still grow a beard. The hormones slow down the growth but it’s not completely going away. I have had about 12 laser treatments done so far. They worked pretty good but after three days I still turn into the bearded lady. Which is not so terribly attractive. Otherwise I’m happy the way things are. I dont think I need plastic surgery. I want to pass as a woman and it seems I already do, so I’m happy.
How does the hormone therapy affect the body?
I have to take two types of medication. Testosterone blockers and estrogen. The testosterone blockers help to get the maximum effects of estrogen with a low dosage. Testosterone is much stronger than estrogen and to override the effects of testosterone alone I would have to take so much estrogen it could be a health risk, like getting blood clots. Psychologically the hormone give me the feeling of having a female body. The way I feel in general has changed, it seems emotions are much stronger and more versatile. Also more confusing. When it comes to feelings and emotions I feel like a teenager again, with all the ups and downs. It’s a bit confusing sometimes. I’m getting typical female mood swings at times too.
Physical sensations like touch have changed. Heat and cold feel strange now. I can feel hot or cold without the temperature changing.
My skin has changed, it feels finer and a bit thinner now. My body odor is totally different. I have lost the masculine “locker room” smell. My hair has become a bit finer and my eyelashes have grown like crazy. Unfortunately my beard still grows, although a lot slower. The rest of my body hair has almost gone. A little fluff is all that remains. I never had big muscles to start with but I still loose more and more muscle definition and unfortunately also body strength. I compensate with weight training. Not to get muscles back but to keep my strength. I like to be able to defend myself if necessary..
I am growing boobs and fat seems to accumulate on my hips. My face is slightly changing by shifting fat, it is becoming rounder and softer.
The hormones will not change my bone structure or my voice.
How long do you have to take medication?
I have to take medication for the rest of my life. If I stop most effects estrogen has will slowly revert. The only thing which is permanent are my boobs and I am likely sterile now. As long as I don’t have my genitals removed the body will just kickstart the testosterone production again, even after a long period on estrogen. If the testicles are removed one is dependent on medication for the rest of ones life. One good reason to keep them.
So do you wear dresses and skirts now? At work too?
Yes I do! And I’m loving it. My focus is not on the clothing, I’m not a transvestite, I want to have a female body. I’m totally happy wearing regular jeans and a t-shirt. But I was a girl on the inside who was denied female clothing for most her life and I have a lot of catching up to do. I was never interested in fashion before, now I’m loving it. I feel now it expresses who I am. I have earrings and a nose piercing too. And yes, I go to work wearing skirts. Quite the office lady. But I did not go from office dude to office lady in an instant. I did it slow enough so my co-workers hopefully had enough time to adapt. I really watch my diet now and exercise a lot. I want to look attractive in female clothing, not ridiculous.
Do you like girls or guys?
This point seems to confuse the heck out of people. I’m attracted to girls. Biological sex, gender identity and sexual orientation are three different things. And it seems to me, if something is “off” the “norm”, it’s usually one thing. Homosexuals are equally not transgender either, just because they are attracted to the same biological sex. I admit, I do enjoy flirting with men but I think it has more to do with the fact that it confirms me as a female rather than me being sexually interested in men.