Hearing about past life experiences and regression might push the limit of what people may be willing to believe.

If you are one of those people who would categorically deny the idea of reincarnation then now may be a good time look for something more appropriate to read.

I thought for a long time whether I should write about this topic or not. When I started this Blog I promised myself to be as brutally honest as I can. And the experiences I have had in regards to this are too important for me to dismiss. After all it is what I think is the reason for me being transgender.

I make no claims that what I experienced is historically accurate and it has absolutely no scientific basis. In a way this doesn’t matter to me so much. Whenever I have unusual experiences in meditation or otherwise, to me it is important how I react to it emotionally.

If the experience gives me a feeling of growth and I am able to release blockages by working through it and acknowledge it, then it is a valid experience. Whether or not it is physically and materialistically accurate is often hard to determine. But not always.

I am no expert in the field but have read extensively about it over several years. I am a Buddhist after all (a very loose, one though) and the idea of reincarnation is not too crazy for me. Nevertheless, some more “serious” scientific studies do exist. I particularly recommend the work of psychiatrist Ian Stephenson who studied past life memories in children extensively. I would like to refer to a really critical blog article about Stevenson’s work on the “Scientific American’s” website. It’s a great summary about his work:

The author, Jesse Bering, an Associate Professor of Science Communication at the University of Otago, New Zealand, should have some credentials to evaluate it. He remains skeptic but fair.

And, with sheer luck  I found this really wonderful video of a young woman who went through a past life regression hypnosis herself and explains the process so well.

Now to my own past life experience.

The idea that my transgenderism may be related to a former life goes way,  way back. Way before I even had any clue about what reincarnation was. The first time I noticed something was going on happened when I was about 6 years old and for the first time I saw an episode of the tv show “Grizzly Adams”. It is about a frontier woodsman who fled into the mountains after a crime he did not commit. The show is set in America the mid 1800’s.

Something touched me inside back then, something I couldn’t explain. The log cabins, bears, moose endless forests, it seemed so familiar to me. I was mesmerized by this show because it showed me something I felt I knew very well! I always felt like I am supposed to live in a log cabin. And for some reason I always felt I was a girl, living in a log cabin.

Of course when my feminine character traits where “educated” out of me by my toxic masculine male family members, the girl was pushed onto the side. But the feeling of being at home in the Canadian or Alaskan wilderness possessed me all of my childhood. I became a boy scout for those reasons and I started mountaineering for this reason.

I literally had to always point out that this or that valley “must look like Canada” to my friends who went hiking with me and we happened to have a good view over a relatively untouched valley, filled with trees. I know I annoyed my friends by constantly saying that. They told me.

As far as I can tell, if one has an intense interest in a subject without ever having had direct contact with it, or a talent that makes no sense to have, because  you don’t know where it is coming from then this could be a past life memory. Also, a phobia can hint at a past life experience or trauma.

A fear of water could hint of having drowned in a previous life. Of course that’s not always the case but that’s the theory. For me, this feeling of having somehow lived in an arctic or subarctic wilderness area was always there.

For years I announced I would one day live in Canada. In 1996, I finally made it to Canada for a visit. I spent 2 months on the west coast. I joined a group and hiked the West Coast Trail, an 80 km stretch of natural paradise along the west coast of Vancouver Island.

I was blown away by it. It was so beautiful.

One evening I had to leave the rest of the group because I was absolutely overwhelmed by a sense of “having come home”. I could not understand what was going on. I sat under a tree and cried like a baby. After the trip I had my first major depression because I had to “leave home” and it took me several weeks to recover.

Parallel to this “knowing” I developed a strong interest in spirituality very early on. I always knew something was going on inside me which is much bigger than what I can see on the surface.

As a child I was quite religious, despite nobody else in my family being religious at all. In my teens I stopped being religious and developed more of an interest in the mind and consciousness and how this all works.

I have had a number of “unusual” experiences during my lifetime. For instance, I suffered very strongly from sleep paralysis when I hit puberty, a condition were one is mentally fully awake but the body is still asleep.

One cannot move and one encounters situation which feel absolutely real. I remember once  to have woken up on a black sofa in some unknown apartment which I had never seen. It was daylight, a fan was running, blowing wind in my face and I heard traffic outside. It felt 100% real to me. I couldn’t move my body at all. Only after huge efforts was I able to move and I was back catapulted back into my own bed, in my own room. Sometimes I heard people whispering and walking around in my room and I couldn’t move at all. It was terrifying.

When I asked for help I was only told that I just had a bad dream. But I wondered how do I know what is a dream and what is reality if I cannot determine any difference between the two?

So, at the age of about 18 I started wondering about the nature of reality. And I tried meditation for the first time. I was blown away by a book called “Journeys out of the body” by Robert A. Monroe. Robert Monroe’s experience were very similar to mine. He had spontaneous “out of body” experiences which initially started very much like my own experiences.

He mentioned details of what happened to him, which I knew because I had very similar things happen to me. This made me believe in his stories and that his experiences were genuine. Monroe founded the Monroe Institute, a not-for-profit organization which is dedicated to the exploration of consciousness. For years I worked with their techniques. And I had success with them. I experienced some crazy trips without having to take drugs or doing anything illegal. Just by training my mind I got better at controlling my experiences and like Bob Monroe, my initial fears were replaced by curiosity. (A short video about the Monroe Institute)

I learned a lot about consciousness and the mind and I started to notice this big shadow inside of me, around my heart, an area which I was not able to penetrate.

When I tried exploring it I just “slipped” off. So I ignored it.

But I already sensed this dark area is related to a woman inside of me, very close, and that she wanted out. I wasn’t ready for it back then, so I ignored it.

And then something happened which really boosted skills of my explorations into the nature of the mind. Sometimes even I am lucky. I got a job in Bermuda! And by whatever fate was responsible for it, the Monroe Institute is located in Virginia. And Bermuda is physically the closest location to the Monroe Institute, without having to be in the USA itself.

I had not even moved to Bermuda when it was clear to me I had to go to the Monroe Institute. My salary allowed for it. It is a not-for-profit organization but it is an Institute with buildings and staff and maintenance, so the week long programs do cost money.

Going there was life changing for me.

The world was never the same again.

I went twice, in 2005 and 2006. What I experienced there is something which completely changed my world view.

It resulted in me becoming Buddhist and studying buddhist theory. After I moved to New Zealand I started with Japanese ZEN Buddhism, discovered Tibetan Buddhism (I even lived at a Tibetan monastery for a year) and I attended two Goenka style Vipassana Meditation retreats,  a very intense, 10 day meditation retreat.

I took meditation very seriously but was never able to penetrate the dark wall around my heart. It felt like a monster was sitting in there and letting it out would kill me. Little did I know all these years that the wall was my denial of being transgender and the “monster” was in fact only a little girl.

I described how I came out of my denial of being transgender in my previous article and I won’t repeat myself here.

Since I started my transition I had experiences which led me to believe that somehow me being transgender was related to a woman who I was, who died very young and this trauma caused me to become trans. I “knew” she lived in the American north, possibly Alaska, during the time of the gold rush, which peaked around 1885.

I never felt like I was part of it but I strongly sensed that these events took place during my lifetime. This image simply was there and it became clearer over the years. I had been planning to do a past life hypnosis regression for years but had no funds for it.

A few weeks ago I saw a Lapis Lazulli pendulum in a shop. It hit my like an electric shock. I had tried dowsing before, so I wanted to try it.

I felt like I will be able to do work with it.

And it did work. It was a little creepy, actually. I established a strict protocol for myself, only allowing positive influences to speak to me. I also made it my habit to have short sessions and to ask the same questions again and again and again. The consistency of the answers were shocking to me.

Everything fell into place.

I was able to relate to the picture which was emerging. Sometimes I thought, nah, this information can’t be true. Then I looked online for historical facts and I figured out, wow, my pendulum knows more than me.

I cannot describe the relief I felt over the past few weeks discovering this information. I felt I was doing serious work.

Again, I do not know if anything of this is historically correct.

But everything makes sense to me, and the simplicity of the answers and the situation made me cry more than once.

And here is what I think might have happened:

I was born in 1867 as a mixed native American and European girl in northern Alberta in Canada. These people call themselves the Metis. I believe I was a third or fourth generation Metis. I was a quiet and gentle girl who did not have many friends but I was popular in my little community, which was very remote and isolated.

Life was rough, and my parents were not super nice to me but I was not physically abused. I loved to dance and flowers. When I was fourteen years old I went on one of my usual strolls into the forest. There were cliffs somewhere which I had climbed them before because of the nice view one has from up there.

But this time I slipped and fell and was badly injured.

I could not move.

My community was looking for me and I heard them yell out for me but I was unable to make myself known. I eventually died of thirst, after about three days. These three days were absolutely horrific for me. The loneliness I felt, I wanted to be found and be held, that somebody would take care of me.

I cried in my room for her because the whole situation felt so real for me.

Because I was so young the trauma sat so deep that after I died the girl was not properly released. I was meant to come into this life to live what I missed out on.

But something went wrong and I came into this body, which was male. So I wasn’t able to lead the life I was meant to lead.

And my spirit guides on the other side were busy all my life to spark my interest in this subject, so I would be able to retrieve this information and release the trauma. I had to turn 46 before I reached that stage and I hope it is not too late for me to get back on track and lead the life I was meant to have.

I was so sad about this girl that I asked my pendulum if there is a chance that I can see what she looked like. I had this crazy idea and asked if it possible that the pendulum would spell out a word and if I put this word into google search, the first portrait of a woman to appear would be a resemblance of the girl. I thought this will NEEEEEEEEEVVVVER work but one of the craziest experience of my entire life was the fact that it did. The pendulum said YES.

I don’t know what happened that afternoon but I felt sweaty and dizzy and it was extremely exhausting to do but I managed to get a result somehow. I took my chart and asked for the first letter of the word, then the second and so on. The pendulum spelled out letter after letter. When I asked for the seventh letter, the pendulum made a circling movement which is the sign that the word is finished.

I looked at the result:


WTF is that supposed to mean? I thought the whole exercise was for nothing. But I tried anyway and typed the word into google image search.

The result blew my mind.

google screenshot

The entire search page consisted of random black and white graphics and totally unrelated photographs. No portrait of any person. There was only one portrait and it was the third image.

The only image of color, there was no mistaking of what image I was meant to look at. It was a woman that fit the description.


This is her. I was even able to spell out a name for her a few days earlier: Mo Lickman.

I don’t quite know yet what to make of this information. But it touched me very emotionally and I have a deep feeling that something happened in me. I am still  in the middle of this process of releasing Mo and I hope to find out more in the time to come.

About her and how to give her peace.